(484) 840-3643If I had a quarter for every time someone said that they “meant no offence,” I’d be rich indeed! When did it become the norm to announce a disclaimer before a statement of question? It’s basically asking a person not to react, to stifle their feelings and, most of all, to suspend judgement about you. As a black woman, whenever I hear this from a white person or a man, I know I’m about to be offended.
It would make more sense to speak and wait for a reaction.
Microaggression is a term coined by Derald Wing Sue (2007) to describe commonplace daily verbal, behavioral or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative prejudicial slights and insults toward any group, especially marginalized groups.
The most challenging type of microaggression is when the person is unaware that they have committed one. This is because it’s very disturbing to think that if you are a nice person with good values, you might offend or even hurt another person. It’s even more painful if you belong to a marginalized group and realize that you, too, can commit microaggressions towards others.
As the recipient of an unintended microaggression, you might find yourself debating whether it is worth it to point out the offence. This is a difficult decision because if it’s unconscious, the behavior is usually denied, which may leave you open to microinsults such as: “You’re too sensitive!”
So, what to do?
When (not if) you commit a microaggression:
- Accept responsibility: If someone tells you you’ve offended them, get curious. Don’t just say sorry but let them know you care enough to learn more.
- Use active listening skills: Reflect what was said to you so the person knows you’ve heard them. Ex. “So, when I said ‘as a woman you should be responsible for the cooking,’ I was dismissing your job responsibilities.”
- Demonstrate accountability: When you do apologize, let the person know exactly what you are sorry for. “I’m sorry” does not let them know you really understand what you did.
- Avoid preemptive statements: “I don’t mean to offend but…”
- Observe: Notice the person’s verbal and non-verbal reactions.
- Be courageous: It’s not easy to hear how you offended or hurt someone, but it means a lot to them if you are willing to listen.
When you are the recipient of a Microaggression:
To a large extent, this depends on how important the relationship is to you and how many microaggressions you’ve experienced in any given week. First and foremost, practice self-care. It may not be possible for you to follow the recommendations below all the time, and that’s ok.
- Acknowledge the Microaggression. If you were hit with a stone someone threw, you’d at the very least say “ouch.” Since microaggressions can be unintentional and even unconscious, it’s important to make people aware.
- Use “I” messages. Now is not the time to generalize or to be vague. Be specific (unless it’s too painful) about what the person said and how you felt as a (person of color, gay person, woman, etc.)
- If the person gets defensive, interrupt them and let them know that you would appreciate it if they would first listen, then respond. You might even have to ask them what they heard you say.
- Exercise patience when possible and if the relationship is worth it. Honesty will enhance your relationship and you will both be better off.
- Accept the apology. If the person has been open to acknowledging what they did and how it impacted you, accept their apology.
It’s important to acknowledge that we are all capable of committing microaggressions, but because of systemic oppression, marginalized groups are more likely to be the recipients. Those groups do a lot of what we call “emotional labor,” trying to enlighten people from other groups. So, it’s important for all of us to be vigilant in observing how others react to us, and to practice curiosity when we see someone cringe, roll their eyes and so forth.
But please avoid saying “I don’t mean to offend…,” because it’s likely you’re about to do just that!
